TW:/ Talk of suicide and severe mental illness. Proceed with caution.
It was my early 30s and almost a decade ago at this point. I had been trying to get sober for many years at this point, fresh off a complete nervous breakdown and newly diagnosed with manic depression and anxiety disorder a friend introduced me to a healing practitioner. I had been seeing dead people, and hearing voices ever since going sober, something I was able to keep at bay with substances. I have a bloodline history of schizophrenia, so of course I thought I was sick. I spoke to a medical professional, but I also spoke to loved ones who suffer, and both said it didn’t sound like schizophrenia. Desperate to find some relief I dove into the world of spirituality, fragile and very hopeful to find someone who knew answers. This is a recipe for disaster put in the hands of the wrong practitioner. The practices I learned from practitioners I saw all revolved around the ideals that any ailment I was suffering with was an unhealed part of me, one even suggested my abilities (which at this point was clearly dead people speaking to me as I knew things I shouldn’t have) would be more powerful off medication. I wondered why doing all the things suggested I was still so sick, and unwell. It must be me; it must be my inability to heal like that teacher said, and now off medication I felt sicker than ever. I started thinking how much better off everyone would be without me, and after a conversation with someone I thought I could trust, where she confirmed I was in fact the problem and I tried to drown myself. Toxic spirituality, the denial of born with mental illness and the refutal of invisible disabilities almost took my life! Therefore, when people try to support everyone in this community just to be nice or follow people who post and participate active almost proud ableism and the theft of a marginalized community’s culture I get incredibly enraged. These unethical practitioners do more harm than can even be seen. Their ideals contribute to people who have disabilities, or marginalized groups of people feeling more alone in the world, and yes that can be a life or death situation.
Our goal should never be to heal entirely, because if our end goal is only to be cured of every ailment it leaves little room for our genetic disposition and builds an all or nothing mindset. This kind of black and white ideology leads us to put our power in the hands of toxic spiritual leaders who are happy to tell you what it is you’re doing wrong and why only they can save you. This kind narcissistic spiritual bypassing practices lead people to do some nasty things that paint them as God-like (in their eyes not mine). I once had someone inbox me in response to a post I shared of a loved one who was losing their life to cancer and tell me there is something unhealed in them that needs to be addressed and that is why they’re dying. Firstly, genetics are not avoidable even for the healthiest person (get an education), secondly, what kind of a monster in response to my pain and the pain of the person who is already dying inboxes me a message that this in fact is an issue that is the fault of the person dying? Thirdly, I have an ancestor who lived to almost 100, healthy, drank and ate whatever they wanted and they were hands down one of the most dreadful abusers. That theory is such bullshit! Yet a lot of people follow, share, and praise these healers who believe this very ideology, I guarantee it. You know how I know? Because I am not impervious to being fooled either. I arrived at a place where I shout ethics and support modern medicine because first I was fooled and it almost cost me my life.
A much more reasonable goal could be to be intentional when we are activated so that we can be present with our actions that may affect our future and accept that sometimes we can’t beat genetics, i.e., cut yourself a break and love your perceived imperfections! How can we be more intentional with ourselves and notice our shifts in mood? Sometimes it can be as simple as we pursue and get a diagnoses so we can better understand all our options for healing! The acceptance of that truth can be an incredible act of self-love we gift to ourselves. Sometimes it is a person who contributes to these moments that can teach us about boundaries we need to have or actions we need to take. Whatever it is, our goal should be to move forward trying our best to reduce further trauma by remaining aware, not to see our deepest parts of darkness as failures. The issue with “we are all one”, or “all lives matter” ideologies is that it is bypassing the fact that this is not true at all. If you believe this, you’re probably A) white, and B) benefit from a system that benefits you where you can choose to not see oppression. Most people of colour, or gender non-conforming folk, trans people, and people living with disabilities, whether they are visible or not know that we are not equal in this extremely racist and oppressive system where some have been treated like absolute dirt. I say this not as a person of colour but as someone who has watched schizophrenia, and severe depressive disorders tear apart my family and know it was not our fault that this system didn’t want to help us and just deemed us problematic addicts simply because self-medicating was the only thing that helped us live!
So many harmful healing facilitators are dolling out unhelpful advice while completely discounting modern medicine, vaccines, and medications that fully bring us to a very healed place. Not looking at the merriment between holistic and medical solutions is such a mistake when we’re looking for the best way to heal. Again, stay away from an all or nothing mindset in healing and look at the bigger picture of simply feeling relief! Don’t discount modern medicine when it comes to grounding yourself. Remember the healing facilitator that told me my abilities would be stronger without my medication? Putting things into context, unmedicated and having tried to unalive myself twice in a manic low how is it possible my abilities would be more powerful if I was dead? The danger in that statement alone is why this unregulated world of “healing” can be so dangerous and why we all need to have our eyes wide open. This is when I was juicing, eating gluten-free, vegan, going to the gym daily, running 3X a week, seeing a Naturopath, and CBT trained therapist, meditating and doing yoga. Trust me when I say I was doing everything right! I even went down to part time at work, and guess what, hereditary born with mental illness still exists whether you’re doing everything right or not, and it is these very healers who made me feel like since I was doing everything right and still unhealed, I should just kill myself – I’m looking at you Teal Swan, you horrifically unethical human being. I am here to tell you as a diagnosed manic depressive with anxiety disorder and ADHD, nothing grounds me better than my anti-depressants and other medications. I also take a shit ton of supplements and have good spiritual hygiene. There is room for both! I know a lot of people in the healing community would disagree (and have told me so), but in my opinion this community has become a very unsafe place for people with disabilities to exist in. I watch my favourite creators and shop owners be bullied for daring to continue to wear a mask (which is there right with or without a disability) but knowing that they do so to protect their invisible disabilities and seeing the comments and hate they face for posting with a mask will forever make me sick. An unmedicated manic depressive healing facilitator is anything but a safe space. Furthermore, it can be incredibly threatening to suggest to “just get out in nature” or “just meditate” to a person having a psychotic episode, or manic low! I will die repeating this to the end of my existence: If the goal is healing, why are so many healers focused on the way in which to do this?
So many people who are anti-science seem to be so dedicated to ableism and sanism and when you try to have a conversation about how their attempts to help can be harmful, they block you and call you negative, and this is dangerous! They then slowly build a cult following where they can never be questioned, only admired while they steal the cultures of marginalized groups, all while weaponizing their vulnerability. On another note, if I see one more transphobic post from cis white woman about the divine feminine, and connecting it to the womb I am going to throw myself off a cliff (me being dramatic of course).
I recently had to block a local healer I previously use to recommend people to, because she has become so problematic and outright racist that I feel downright unsafe with how many people tag me in her posts or in accounts they recommend with my name alongside hers. I simply can not exist in the same space as her and her extremely harmful ways. She actively steals the culture of Indigenous people, and posts constantly assuring her followers that no one cares enough to be there, but she does. The post that finally did it for me was her posting that anything out of your hands should be out of your mind. This paired with the fact that I have had actual friends who adored her and tried to start a conversation with her about how her theft of indigenous practices as a white woman is unethical and racist and be immediately blocked is the perfect recipe for toxic spirituality from white woman who teach you to keep being racist and practice apathy – it’s easier then actually calling yourself in. It also sells better to those unwilling to do the work, than actual ethics. She is of course anti-vaccine, but tells no one and still hosts in-person events putting so many people at risk, and a supporter of the convoy (by liking and following harmful rhetoric but never posting her views). I can actually smell anti-vaccine values and toxic spirituality from a mile away now based on your spiritual posts you think are neutral but is super fucking bypassing of anyone other than cis white privileged people . She also believes you can heal yourself, and so many people still praise her. Maybe it’s not very “nice” of me to call out someone in this very small community, but the amount of praise and money that goes into toxic spirituality wellness spaces is detrimental to the neurodivergent, disabled, black, brown, AAPI, Indigenous, trans – AKA anyone who is not white, cis, able-bodied, or able-minded, while people with ethics drown in poverty. It is an extremely deadly way to keep us stuck in this place forever! And by this place I mean a capitalistic narrow view, filled with toxic-white privilege, embodying an anti-science ableist hate filled world. All our complacency in liking, following, and contributing to people who perpetuate harm with no conscious or accountability practice matters, and this means for me too! The people who chose to follow me call me in all the time when I make an error in judgment and I thank them every time. If you’re not doing this as a white healing facilitator paired with active anti-racism work, how can you possibly be helping anyone to heal. The collective means everyone and we cannot be effective as white woman if we are not addressing our internalized racism and bias. How the hell do you expect to ever be a safe place for all genders, non-binary, BIPOC, and disabled folk if you’re not even open to the conversations around the harm we do (without malicious intent as I have had actual death threats for my views too, and I don’t see this as constructive feedback). I will never be harmless, because I am a white cis woman benefiting from a system that is tailored to me, which means when someone deems me worthy of educating, I listen! Isn’t that the least we can do. The next thing we can do is unfollow people who have actively shown you they’re not interested in growing in any way because staying “nice” in the face of racism and yes, culture appropriation is racist, is not okay either.
