World Mental Health Day: Let’s talk
TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of suicide, addiction, depression and anxiety.
The scariest shadows are those you are unaware of or unwilling to face. That’s what led to my first suicide attempt. If you had asked me if I was suicidal the day before I overdosed and almost died I would have said no emphatically. It’s so much harder to admit to yourself, especially as a child you are depressed, because you don’t really have the balanced logic to understand all you are feeling and why. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed this shit is so hard to talk about. In fact it has taken me two days just to get up the energy to really go back to the darkest time in my life. Going back into the place where your house burned down, where you almost died, where a part of you did die, you can still smell the strong smell of ash, burnt flesh, and the strong chemicals you used to try and clean up what you knew was already gone. What do you do with the triggers that still feel like it was yesterday? How do you explain that after 4 therapists, cognitive behavioural therapy, psychotherapy, talk therapy, medication and sober living with repetitive shadow work that you can still feel these wounds like they were yesterday? How do you connect to a healing community that when I talk about my depression asks me if I’ve been doing my shadow work, as if to assume I am just lazy and sitting in my own shit. How do I tell the people that follow me that what I have actually discovered is some things remain raw, and it is for that very reason I choose not to go back to those shadows all that often. Is depression the hangover of a life of trauma unhealed, or just the physical proof that you live to tell a story most wouldn’t survive from with their humanity in tact? I have seen a lot of healers promote healing of life long born with manic depression, and refer to anti-depressants as a temporary band-aide meant to serve only as long as you need to do the real work. Everyone’s experience is completely different and I am not the authority on anything, and I mean that, but all I feel when I read these posts and tap into their energy is the manic high of manic depression. I know the feeling well, and these are the moments where I too went off my meds, only to end up back at the Ottawa General clinging to life. September was suicide prevention month. It should have been a month I spoke freely about my experiences, shared how important it is to be open with your mental health struggles, instead I felt frozen in a depressive low that just wouldn’t go away. After suffering with this disease my entire life, and on anti-depressants for a decade or more should I not have this routine down, (typical me berating myself for not being better at depression by now)? As I watch cities burn, animals and humans homeless, our political climate turn into a circus and us trying to pick the clown who is less damaging, I sit with a secret I haven’t told anyone. I am 984 days sober and lately I have been tasting cocaine in my mouth as if it was really there. Dripping down the back of my nasal cavity and into my throat. I find myself smelling alcohol when there is no alcohol and because I have done a lot of therapy and self actualization around my addictions I know not that I crave the substance, but that I am having a really hard time.
I was 15 years old the first time I overdosed and drank until my heart stopped. It wasn’t because I loved the taste, because we were drinking whiskey and I HATE whiskey, it was because I learned that this shit helps me not feel so much. That night I drank until my heart stopped. A medium once told me they could see my grey and dead body at a young age and my grandfather who is passed yelling to me that it wasn’t my time. I guess I didn’t really want to die so much as I wanted the pain to stop. As a kid if I thought I was in trouble, if I felt my parents mood shift, I would always take it upon myself to try and fix whatever it is was wrong. Any unsettled energies coming from the people around me I felt truly like it was somehow my fault, like I wasn’t enough, and like the world must really hate me. It had been 15 years into my life and this feeling only grew, never settled, and I just wanted to not feel this gaping hole of emotion of those around me anymore. Boundaries in my home were met with punishment, and empathy was used up until death seemed like a better option than living. Of course I never told anyone this, I am a happy go lucky Sag – no one needed to be burdened by my sadness.
Admitting I am an addict isn’t easy, it is made even harder by the fact that I have had people actually argue with me that I am not one. After all I am a high functioning alcoholic; I have gotten employee of the year at every job I’ve ever worked at, all while nursing this addiction, friends could always rely on me, and I would never really let anyone see I was suffering. I would also hear things like “well we all have our addictions, we all have a bit of addict in us.” Please stop saying this, this is not like your sugar addiction, or that one time you drank too much. I am sure it is said with the intention to make me feel better, but it doesn’t. It only makes me feel worse, like if we all have our addictions how come I almost lost my life to mine (numerous times), and you’re able to stop when you know you need a reset? Having our own addictions or obsessions is very different than truly not knowing when or how to stop. Every day I could drink, every day I try and find a stand in that makes me feels a high without being high. For my fellow addicts out there some things I found gave me that “high” was running, weight lifting, and strong Jasmine tea from the no name shops in China town (if you are local in Ottawa and want my source email me arsnik7@gmail.com). For some addicts caffeine can be a gateway and triggering so please always do what feels best for you, I am in no way advocating knowing how to deal with all addictions only mine.
Cravings come now when my vibe is low enough that those quick dark doses call to me. This is made worse by the fact that depression is a whole new thing in 2020. You could be winning at life in a big way, then “BAM” 2020 hits and we are awakened to a new kind of global adversity, that as long as you’re not a sociopath or over privileged princess (shade intended) you are feeling this shit. I knew this would be a long bout with my friend depression, I felt her shadow following me around at the beginning of August continuously asking if I was ready. I would answer, “no, not right now, I have bills to pay, and as a spiritual entrepreneur I really don’t have time for your nonsense.” Best part about manic depression and having a manic type personality in general is I’ve learned how to tap into that manic energy when I really need it and work until I am dead (energetically speaking). I have found the most successful techniques to feeling peace within is to embrace and accept who I am, and maximise those qualities, not try and change who I am. I am a hyper creative, manic depressive, addicted personality type soul and I use these to my advantage, but I have definitely seen the dark side of these personality traits too, and I am thankful that I have been able to really face myself; really do the dark deep soul work needed to be able to acknowledge when these triggers come up and what they are really saying. I have also realized that some trauma’s never fully heal, more time passes and they just become more bearable to live with and that is also okay. I have come to realize I am so happy for my life, but that doesn’t mean I feel happy all the time. Sometimes darkness takes over, and sometimes I am more confortable in that darkness (which can also be not good all the time). I have also come to realize most of us are doing their best, so if we miss understand each other, or say the wrong thing as long as we all remain open to learning and re-learning that is okay too. What I feel is not okay is the projected truth-telling according to your personal experience that leaves no room for anyone else’s experience. You healed from your trauma – that is amazing, I am happy for you, it does not mean healing is easy for everyone, and some of us don’t get over the darkest times in our life, but it does not mean we are not “doing the work.” Take a deep breath. Good! Now take another one, and hear me when I say, I am really glad you are here with me, in this life, and didn’t take your own life when you thought about it. I am really glad you took medication when you were drowning in mental illness. I am so happy you continue to do what it is that is best for you! Love, Candice of Crazy Cat Witchy.
