My husband and I were having a conversation recently about friends we have watched throw their support in the ring regarding the convoy that happened in our city Ottawa. His point was this: After 2+ years in a pandemic, restrictions, and death happening all around us some people are not all right, some people are at their breaking points, and everyone expresses this in very different ways according to the privileges they’ve experienced in life. Does that mean I should walk away from them? As you can tell my husband and I are very different people. He really tries to see people as a whole and can put aside certain differences for the greater good of friendship. I am not that person. My closest friends are all a little too much, are strongly in alignment with my values and fiery to say the least. My point was this: When your actions place people in direct harm, or your inconveniences lead to ableism or the direct harm of others, and I try to have a conversation with you, and you refuse to see your harm or own and learn from errors in judgment you bet our ass it means I am walking away. My husband has a lot more friends than me as you’ve probably gathered. He’s very kind, very objective and fair. He’s also a cis white man who has the privilege to be objective, because the truth is if you don’t want to involve yourself with any of this as a white person you don’t have to because it doesn’t really affect you much. Nevertheless, I am very grateful for my husband’s perspective as it did get me deep in thought for a few days, and once again here I am at my computer trying to sort out my thoughts on this.
So back to the question he posed to me: “Can you really judge someone at their lowest moment”? I mean, I think if you just look at the question without layers the answer is simple: No, I never want to judge someone off the worst moments of their life. The issue in play though is when you weaponize your own pain to justify your harmful actions against a collective of people where your pain then becomes everyone else’s problem. The second issue I have is would these people describe this as the worst moment of their life or are you trying to find humanity in an inhumane situation? Have you ever seen the movie “Armageddon?” Steve Buscemi’s character “Rockhound” starts to exhibit something the movie calls “space dementia” when things go south, and he thinks he is going to die. His fight or flight response in this moment is less than ideal but I think it’s safe to say no one would judge him for this moment when it is clear he is not okay and needs help. The issue lies when he then arrives home and asks his friends to not tell anyone what happened so he can present as a hero whilst not addressing or getting help for a subconscious telltale that almost killed his entire crew that he absolutely needs to get professional help for. He will then walk around telling stories of how this was the BEST moment of his life and burry the psychological trauma he experienced and projected onto others that came from a high stress situation where it was clear he was not okay. Secondly, if that movie was real life and he never got help and was called to another mission, can you honesty tell me you’re not going to use discernment from what may be described as the worst moment of this life to assemble the new team? How can we completely disregard how people act in their self described lowest moments if they show no signs of self improvement or self reflexiveness? I know this was just a movie, and this was not a storyline worth going down but the example of this character although comical speaks volumes as to why some people defended, related to, or supported this convoy. I don’t think they would describe this act as the worst moment of their life, or a desperate plea or call out for help. I think they would describe themselves heroically “fighting for freedom” and that is the story that will get told to their kids and their grandkids. Is it responsible to insert a narrative for them so that we can paint them in a more humane light when they themselves wouldn’t necessarily describe it that way? Personally, what I see is some are struggling to want to believe that their friends, the people they love would ever support or be involved in something like this and trust me I am with you here. I feel this grief in my gut that sometimes makes it hard to even keep down food. I have no answers for how to be better about this, but for me it never helps to make excuses for a group of people that stand beside white supremacists and lecture me on not letting the few malicious racists drown out the real message. The errors we make when we are at our worst are usually the best opportunities for us to learn about ourselves, seek out professional help to address the issues that feel like they are controlling us and move forward armed with that information so that we can grow learn and evolve. “Rockhound” had a real opportunity to come home, take the information that his subconscious revealed to him in space, get help for it, then maybe even speak publicly to inspire other astronauts to not feel shame. Instead, he asked everyone to keep quiet and used his status to bag a woman who was clear she wasn’t interested prior to all of this (again I know it’s just a movie, just an example).
The truth is that is what most people do because admitting you made a mistake is painful. There is so much shame associated from it, and people take advantage of that sending you into a very dark place to the point where you at times need professional help just to help you navigate owning this and not self-hating. Trust me I get it! The feeling though when you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you can do better, then actually do better, listen to the actual victims of your actions and genuinely own up to it – CAN NOT BE REPLICATED. Not to sound cheesy, but you are worth it to fight for this feeling. I am not some cold-hearted person who walks away when my loved ones make a mistake. If you know me well (which I will admit very few people do) you will know that if I love you, you will have to do a lot of harm for me to turn my back on you completely, however I do know the true meaning of boundaries. If I express to you how your actions have harmed someone and you refuse to see it, I will implore boundaries and simply enter with caution moving forward. If you continue to cause harm and not be self-aware or approachable about your mistakes, I will most likely have to adjust the friendship category I have put you in because the impact in which you make when you move about your triggers does matter whether we like to admit that or not. When I was at my lowest, in and out of the psych ward for outpatient care, and on and off medication for 3 years I did a lot of harm to my relationships while I thought “my pain mattered more.” When I finally accepted help and looked at myself with love, I realized that I was so happy that the people who loved me most didn’t judge me for the lowest time in my life where I tried to take my own life, but I also realized that my pain didn’t give me a reason to be verbally abusive or carless with the emotions of people who were trying to help me. I had an honest conversation about the post-traumatic stress I had caused and for my behaviours to the people who had stood by me that entire time. Yes, my depressive state deserved attention, but finding articles hidden under my husband’s pillow about “how to talk to a depressed person” also broke my heart because it was clear my pain was causing him pain.
So, if I were to answer the question asked simply, here is my answer: I would never want to judge a person off of their worst moments of their life, if that is how they would describe it, but I will adjust my boundaries and observe while I hope and pray you are able to look at your actions through an introspective lens and do better at some point. Even if that happens 10 years from now, I will be there to cheer you on, but until then I need to give my support to the vulnerable folk who need it. Not overprivileged triggered folk who puff up their chests and try to find someone to blame for a 2+ year pandemic that as much as you want to blame the government for, is no one’s fault, and yes that rule applies to all my friends and family. I don’t have special rules of ethics and etiquette based on our relationship. I have since I was a child consistently preached that the same rules apply to all, including myself.
