It took an actual plague for me to face the problematic one-sided, unbalanced relationships in my life. To this day it is one of the most painful revelations I’ve had. I would say one of my lesser than glamorous traits are I struggle to release.
March 2020 everything changed. No matter what you think you know about yourself, no one knows what their subconscious response will be to a viral outbreak that to date has killed over 6 million people worldwide. 2.5 years later we are all sitting with the effects of this pandemic, and I think the most painful loss I have faced was the loss of the illusion I sat comfortably in for the world I thought I knew. We all have those friendships or familial relationships we hold close where we know the give and take is imbalanced, but we tell ourselves “In a crunch they would be there for me.” Then you’re faced with the hard truth upfront, and in a short time frame and realize that was something you told yourself, so you felt less alone. I think I always knew the truth of certain relationships, but would I have ever faced what I needed to without an actual plague? Probably not. I have been crying a lot lately. I genuinely feel like I am grieving the loss of some relationships I thought would be in my life forever. The truth is life has been hard, not just for me, but for every single person I know and moving forward I really don’t have the energy or mental capacity to have consistently hard relationships that never get easier.
I know this may seem like an obvious conclusion to come to and some most likely came to it earlier than me, but I woke up a few days ago and realized I need to simplify my life and stop trying to control relationships with people whom are not changing. The thing is, I always resist change; I am still reeling about Blockbuster closing and the disc-man disappearing, so before I can release something I try to hang on to it and sacrifice myself to save something that stopped evolving years ago. I say evolve because sometimes moving away from ineffectual unions is exactly that! Dragging things on only leads to resentment and hate and this is a lesson I am slowly learning. As my therapist once said: Sometimes people are inspired by your actions and you maintaining a relationship that isn’t working just to make someone else happy, isn’t helping the other person or yourself.
Instead of holding onto relationships that require me to be an outdated version of myself I am at a place where I need to put on paper a short list of things I have outgrown to maintain who I am today and who I want to be tomorrow. Sometimes writing it down in a safe space like my blog and sharing it with people who have chosen to be here is the only way I am able to make peace.
I call this Candice’s Commitment:
- I can no longer move forward in my relationships where it requires me to remain mostly silent about my views while others get to be as loud as they want without any regard for how their words affect others.
- I can no longer be close with someone who refuses to look at themselves or their patterning without first telling you what you did to provoke them.
- I can no longer tolerate or look away when someone I am close to says any kind of transphobic vitriol. This includes making excuses for people who victimize anyone in the LGBTQIA+ by using the 1% of cases that rarely if ever occur or using transphobic sentiments around “real woman” having wombs. I know this is a huge thing in the Witch community and could cause a stir with some but if you don’t understand that being born into the gender you resonate with is a privilege and not something everyone has in 2022, I don’t have time for you.
- I don’t have time for people who think my strong emotions to injustice is too much. This includes people whom I continuously support with my energy who project their inferiority complex all over me every time I dare speak my truth centring marginalized communities. I have a right to exist loudly, just as you have a right to process and live in the way that is best for you. What you feel you are lacking is not my issue to absorb!
- I promise to walk away from conversations that have been had repeatedly and realize I either accept that person as they are or walk away from them entirely.
- I will take responsibility to for who I am becoming and not keep myself in an energetic low for too long (when possible) over situations I cannot change, and act accountable in the ones where I can make changes. NOTE: Mental ailments like bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and manic disorders are not a choice, a low in energy is very different from a depressive low, seek help with your medical doctor when needed.
- I will commit to my own soul work through therapy, healing sessions with my chosen energetic practitioner and my own practice of self-care, because I deserve that self-care for myself.
- I will place my self in relationships where I can be honest (with empathy), my emotions are valid even if I am in the wrong. If I lead with compassion and genuine honesty, healthy relationships will always have a way through the fog.
- I will not set an impossible standard for myself that bleeds outwards to my interpersonal relationships, holding onto a standard that most cannot meet – leading myself to failure and the isolation of being alone because of my self-sabotaging ways.
- Lastly, I promise to be vulnerability when I feel hurt. People cannot modify or fix issues they aren’t made aware of. Sharing when I am hurt actually strengthen relationships, especially when I am open to owning my part as well.
I list these out loud to remind myself that what I ask for is not too much, instead it is an assurance of what I know I need to feel safe in the relationships who I grant access to my most private inner self. As a medicated and diagnosed manic depressive and someone who lives with a disease that weakens the connective tissues of my body that is progressive, I need to know that my values of who I am, what I believe in and that the self-work I do on myself is with people who also see the importance of inclusivity, don’t subscribe to ableist beliefs, and are willing to grow alongside me. I don’t think I am asking too much, but for those that feel I am, at least they know where I stand, and can also act in way to which they feel protected, and that is just as important. That we all find the people who make us feel safest and seen on an already hard time.
Thank you for reading!
