TW:/Talk of rape, murder, suicide, take caution.
I swear one day I will be in a place where I write about light stuff and magical fun. I feel like I need to apologize in advance for hitting you all with another heavy post. If you are not in a place to absorb any of this I want you to know you are under no obligation to read this post! I have been in a very triggered place lately and I find bookmarking things to read when I am more emotionally stable not only helps me to absorb the material better, but it is a very beautiful act of self care. Remember to take it one day at a time, and not feel you need to participate in every single conversation. With that said I continue with this week’s topic…
You can’t bypass emotion; it will maintain a permanent residence somewhere in your soul, mental state or physical body, and trust me the effects will make themselves know. If there is one common theme emerging for 2021 it is how many people think that by staying love-filled, kind presenting and light or above the chaos they can just sidestep the heavy emotional burdens inevitable in a global pandemic. This isn’t going to be a post about where your values lie; we all know there is no remaining neutral right now, even if you chose not to voice your thoughts we all have them. This is going to be about spiritual gaslighting and the people who continuously ask for kindness in the face of opposition. Kindness is important, and this is not a post on why it isn’t. My husband paid for a woman’s groceries the other day who had forgotten her wallet and it was clear this was not her day, and it is these little acts that just make us all feel like we truly are connected, and trust me it is needed right now. But asking for kindness as a blanket statement on your social media without context because you saw a post opposing your views that triggered you and instead of looking deeper into why it triggered you, you choose to vilify the person with opposing views as “unkind” is spiritual gaslighting. Telling the world to just get along and respect that we all have a difference of opinion is not only bypassing of the worst kind, it is also violent when it comes to people who spread harm and misinformation, such as white supremacist organizations. It also spreads this narrative that as long as you bypass your anger and say it with a smile you are kind. I swear, half the time I watch these videos of people smiling asking for kindness or sharing tips on how to release your anger all I can feel is their raging anger. I see their smile and all I can feel is anger and frustration that they want desperately not to feel or be a part of but cannot erase. Here is an annoying fact: You aren’t supposed to be able to erase your anger without feeling it first! Yes, tools that usually help may provide momentary ease but the only way to actually move beyond heavy emotions are to feel and express them in a safe space. Maybe social media isn’t the right place for it, but guess what, everyone processes things in an entirely different way. Half the time I get a greater release and feel more seen by an authentic post of someone struggling or angry then I do of someone always smiling and acting like they have the answers. This is because anything authentic sticks. This goes for happiness posts too! Authentic posts of pure joy or authentic acts of kindness really pick me up. Know what doesn’t? Call outs for kindness from people in the spiritual community who view strong emotions as being unkind. Spreading love and light sentiments to shame activists who are passionate and use their platform to empower science and label them as “toxic” because they’re not pushing your view is some cult leader type bullshit. Getting the vaccine and advocating for getting or not getting the vaccine is your choice and honestly well within your right, but when you use spiritual gaslighting to paint others who don’t agree with you as “unkind” or “toxic” all while acting like you know the truth from a calm and centred place just makes me feel like you’re the one who is not okay, because the truth is none of us know what the fuck is going on! We all act in our own self interest with the information we deem intelligible and accurate – none of us really know the outcome of this thing.
The other side of this is I see that the people who use spiritual gaslighting to prove their point or shame others for their heavy emotions actually bypass the fuck out of their own emotions. These are usually people who use the tagline “everything happens for a reason” to rationalize away everything including the loss of a loved one without fact checking. I don’t think Ted Bundy who grew up with well meaning parents who went on to rape and violently murder woman happened for a reason. I don’t think being born with a genetic disposition that could and most likely does lead to cancer happens for a reason, and I don’t think a global pandemic is our answer to climate change, nor do I think it helps anyone to hear those sentiments as they loose their loved ones, jobs, homes, and sanity. I can have empathy that many of the people perpetuating these sentiments are really just uncomfortable with darkness without a reason. Hell, I actually think it’s pretty normal to feel unnerved when the world is this dark, heavy and just hopeless. But as someone who grew up in darkness I can’t help but try and reason with those who fear it to help you understand, shining more light on a dark situation does nothing but blinds you from the real healing to be done.
In the words of “Bane” in “Batman: The Dark Knight Rises”: “Oh, you think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark; I was born in it, moulded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but BLINDING!” To get out of the dark you first need to sit in the reality that no light may be coming for a long time or ever. It is then you start to allow all of the fears you keep hidden from the world come up so that you can see what it is that needs to be healed. How can you really know where your attention must go if you can’t even let your emotions be heard. If the first 5 years of a child’s life are fundamentally important and it is then that our psyches are formed, knowing how sensitive and impressionable children are, what is it we keep hidden even from ourselves that is coming up around this time? There is something for everyone to learn about themselves during this time, because no matter how much privilege you have this time isn’t easy for anyone. It is made even harder when we are told what we need to be or do. You don’t need to do anything but survive during this time. Kindness is a virtue but not when it’s used in response to gaslight someone else’s emotional response to an already hard time. Passionate opinions that oppose your own are not based in hate, but are based in that person sharing their own truth and are not unkind, they are courageous, open and honest. On Bell let’s talk day, one day every year we ask for those to reach out when they are not okay, then every other day in the year when those same people share their strong opinions that yes can be very negative and needed on their own platform we tell them to shut up and just be kind. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this? The suppression of human emotion and labelling those with strong emotions as unkind is the very thing that leads to mental illness, physical illness, and just feeling isolated and alone. You absolutely have every right to unfollow if opposing views are just making life too hard right now, just don’t resort to manipulation tactics that show that you’re kind for remaining peaceful, and the other person is not because they show up another way. Spiritual gaslighting can look like love and light sentiments and call outs for empathy when you feel your values are being opposed. Learn to stand strong in your belief system without vilifying others. The one time I break this rule is if your values harm people of colour or your spread of information is not fact checked and could actually lead to the death of someone (similar to Trump telling everyone to drink disinfectant to cure COVID). Harm is a completely different thing.
NOTE: If you are suicidal or planning to take your own life please call 911, not your local spiritual worker. I have an abundance of suicide confessions on a monthly bases and I am not trained to help or talk you through this. I can not heal you, and if any healing facilitator say they can they are lying and not ethical practitioners.
